I’ve just looked up ‘excessive daydreaming’ on Google and I found a site which describes excessive daydreaming as “maladaptive daydreaming” – a known medical condition in which the daydreamer cannot control their obsessive daydreaming. It is so true to me, I’m a little shocked.
It’s horrible being in love with somebody you can’t have. Although it has been a while now, I tell myself I’m over him. And most of the time I believe it. I’m not angry or bitter any more – I have reached a kind of dull, grudging acceptance that he doesn’t feel for me the way I do for him, and probably never will.
But sometimes, usually late at night or early in the morning, when i have nothing to do except lie in bed and think, he creeps into my head again and I can’t shake him out. It’s to do with having a Pisces Moon, I think. It takes ages and ages for someone with a Pisces Moon to get over someone they love – you ruminate forever and brood over every scenario that’s ever happened between you and him and then you find yourself starting to invent new ones – fantasy stories that keep the feelings alive and get you hoping again. My fantasies about Him usually revolve around one of us ‘rescuing’ the other in some way, and of course, falling in love, in ever more bizarre and unrealistic scenarios. You know you’re doing this, its not like you aren’t aware it isnt real. But having a Pisces Moon means your imagination takes control over actual facts.
My imagination is so strong that I can easily slip into believing I have a partner walking along with me, sitting by me watching television, feeding me grapes. In fact I do it most days. I pretend my way through life.
What I need is a reality bite. Something hard and sharp and traumatic, to get me out of this phase in particular. I don’t think anything can stop me fantasising full stop. For me fantasies can last several days and completely take control of my emotions – I can feel intensely angry, in love, super-happy etc, all for reasons that never actually happened — as I go on with my day-to-day life it’s all completely under the surface and no-one I am with has any idea what is really going on inside my head. I feel that no-one really knows me. But I am aware always that this is going on inside my head, even though I am carrying on with my work. I guess it is my secret comfort, even though I know I’m making it all up.
You are disappearing slowly into the distance. Further and further away you go, and with it all the good feelings I had. Others are creeping in now, like resentment, anger and regret.
All part of the grieving process, I guess.
What have you done to me?
With your curiosity and your caring
and your honesty and your light?
You woke me from my peaceful sleep
in the safe dark hole of my life
and I blinked in your light and tried to hide
but your kind scrutiny made me feel worthwhile.
But then you discarded me.
Why did you approach me,
And why have you pulled away?
What did you see?
Did it scare you?
Now I reside back in the dark,
no longer peaceful.
What have you done to me?
